Wednesday, May 6, 2009

A Steamy Romance Novel

Most of my characters keep a few things with sentimental value in the bank. In addition to the pieces of armor from older dungeons, this includes a few books. Viljo keeps the copy of The Horde's Hellscream that he received after his first Harvest Festival. Teltanara has a copy of Lament of the Highborne that she received after she heard Sylvanus's song.

When Teltanara was a much younger elf her friend Eeyan gave her a book. Who knows where he pickpocketed it from, but he thought that Telt would enjoy it. Since then Telt has kept A Steamy Romance Novel in her bank. She occasionally pulls it out to reread, but usually she just keeps it in her bank.

I have now discovered that there are 2 more romance novels: A Steamy Romance Novel: Forbidden Love and A Steamy Romance Novel: Northern Exposure. Telt really needs to have these.

And now for your reading pleasure I reproduce the text of all three Steamy Romance Novels. Copied from Wowhead and the novel in my own bags.

A Steamy Romance Novel

(Page 1)
As Nahni glided up, the grizzled warrior gave her a hard stare, "I suppose you're here to collect the reward for killing those murlocs?"

Her eyes wandered down to the glowing broadsword at his side. "That depends on what the reward is, Marcus." She twirled her hair playfully, pretending not to notice how he shifted uncomfortably in her presence "I may not want it."

(page 2)
Marcus stepped toward her, bristling with a mix of fear and anger, "The reward is not negotiable!" He paused for a moment while gathering his nerve, and pressed himself against her diminutive form. Their lips met hotly, melting her frost armor spell in a torrent of sweltering vapor.

"So, is there another step to this quest?" she teased, her eyes glittering with excitement.

<This goes on for several hundred more pages, without advancing the plot.>

A Steamy Romance Novel: Forbidden Love

(Page 1)
Ah'tush crept silently through the massive underground tunnel, nervously looking over her shoulder in anticipation of the fast moving tram. "Where is he..." she muttered angrily, stopping suddenly as something moved behind her. Her eyes narrowed dangerously as her dagger slid from its sheath.

A husky voice echoed in the hollow chamber, "I thought rogues liked to be behind their target." She spun quickly, driving her blade into a shield of impenetrable force. "And I thought paladins were supposed to be chaste." She replied with a confident smirk.

(Page 2)
Leaning forward she counted out loud until the invisible bubble dissipated with an audible pop. "Tweleve seconds? I know know you have abilities that last longer than that."

Bony finger worked effortlessly beneath his armor, unlatching his breastplate and exposing him to the cold air, "don't worry my sweet Marcus, that's not a finishing move tonight...I'm just getting started." He wrapped his arms around what remained of her waist, forcing an excited giggle as he nibbled at her neck vertebrae.

<The rest of the book has several sections that are apparently worn out from repeated readings>

A Steamy Romance Novel: Northern Exposure

The tiny gnome peered over the railing into the secluded Dalaran courtyard.
"The view from the balcony is amazing, you have to come see!"
Armor legplates creaked as Marcus walked over, taking in a deep breath as he absently scratched his scruffy chin.
"The Hero's Welcome is no slouch. And there's something in the room that might interest you."
Tavi bounded into the room, pausing only a moment before jumping on the massive bed. She turned to gaze at Marcus with her huge saucer-like eyes, narrowing them playfully and replacing her glowing smile with a diabolical grin.

"Interested in some company?" She purred as her hands weaved through a complex summoning ritual, stopping only when she felt the warmth of a new presence behind her.
All color drained from Marcus' face as he struggled to protest. "I... I don't think that's appropriate."
Confused, Tavi turned to see what was wrong. A hideous fel hound stood ready, drooling onto the floor as it stared intently at the half-armored paladin.
"No! No, that's not what I meant." She stammered as she dispelled the hungry demon. "I'm sorry, that's not really my specialization."

Marcus took both her hands in one of his and he reassured her. "It's fine. What is your specialization?"
Her head snapped up, eyes burning with renewed life as shadow energy channeled through her hands into Marcus, dropping him to his knees in agony.
"Affliction, actually."

<The remaining pages have a level 99 requirement to read.>

As you can see Marcus the Paladin gets around a lot...


draNgNon said...

would that be Marcus Jonathan?

Anonymous said...

this "marcus" guy really seems to get around...